Funny Status Messages

   wonders why everyone on facebook looks like they had a stroke I mean seriously that facial expression is stupid, and holding up the peace sign doesnt make you look any smarter.

   Wife: I wish I was newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day. Husband:I too wish that you were newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday.

   Why limit happy to just an hour?

   Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day!! <HATE

   If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.

   If you're flirting with a women and she asks "Are you coming onto me?" whisper in her ear "I never pull out."

   It's so rude when people talk at the movies while you're on the phone!

   People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be damn shot.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time

   Don't you think it's time we start referring to flat screen TVs, simply as TVs?

   "Women are such mysterious creatures. Beautiful unsolvable mysteries. Like them big alien crop circles........... but with nipples"

   I call one of my coworkers "Adobe Updater" because she tries to be helpful, but she's really just annoying.

   If you're a thug driving a luxury SUV fully customized, don't be surprised when I question the legitimacy of your income.

   The Mayan Calendar says the world will end on Dec 21, 2012, which really means a lot of babies will be born on Sept 21, 2013.

   If someone doesn't ask me, "What in the hell is wrong with you?" at least once a day, I feel like a failure.

   saw a guy give a homeless man a coffee....Great! Now he is alert and fully aware of his surroundings...the street, the alley, his shopping cart...

   no wonder gangsters pants hang so low there so full of sh*t

   BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby

   Scr*w you recommended serving size. You don't know me

   Last week, a lady in China had a baby with three arms. They're always one step ahead of us aren't they? He's probably making shoes and toys right now as I type this.