Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is said that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." What about the other eye?

   Which essential oil should I put in my butt?

   "Did I ever tell you I played sport in high school?" - fat people

   t's been 11 years since Michael Jackson died. I'm surprised we aren't seeing Jacko impersonators like we see Elvis impersonators.

   To all of the Canadians celebrating Canada Day in America this weekend ..... Your Welcome.

   Do I have to hear about these Clowns for 28 more days? O me bad make that 35 more days my math is not so good anymore.

   People up north whine way more about cold winters than we Floridians do about the hot summers. It may have something to do with feminine swimwear.

   The weather is such a slut. The wind blows everyone, the rain makes everyone wet, the sun makes everyone take their clothes off, and the snow covers everyone in white stuff.

   "You dirt-eating piece of slime, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat!"

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money.

   Friends are a lot like trees they fall down when hit multiple times with an axe

   Every time that hoe inside my G.P.S. gives me wong directions I pimp slap her with the mute button. :-D

   How much cocaine is 2 much? Do you think security will view me ridding the elevator from the 1st to 2nd floor for the past 3hrs suspicious??

   I'll be gone for a while beating off... I'm back!!

   Why does the DB at work with the least experience always think he has all the answers??

   She put me in the family zone, which would be cool if we were in Kentucky.

   I see you Monday and I ain't Scared !

   I dont talk to strangers because they might do something awful... like sell me something!

   When you are mocking somebody, you are just trying to get rid of something embarrassing within you that makes you doing so.

   Guess I can take the mistletoe off my belt buckle now.