Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos.

   My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.

   The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one.

   Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.

   Dude, you need a Field Goal, two Touchdowns, and two Two-Point Conversions just to take this to overtime. That's impossible! Brady: Hold my beer.

   I decided to start calling my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do every morning is go to the Jim.

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."

   It was fortunate that while investigation into Trump's wild claims took place, there was no other news to report.

   Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.

   My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...

   You never hear anything about the women from Nantucket. I wonder what they are like...

   Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.

   If you sit on the toilet at 1159pm and the clock strikes midnight, it is the same crap different day.

   The grocery store has 2 new aisles filled with "Halloween Candy" but it sure looks like the same candy they sell all year.

   Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend."

   I was addicted to Tide Pods.....but I'm clean now.

   Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account

   I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

   It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

   starting to feel like she is just a character in some other planets Sims game, and the stairs for the swimming pool have been removed...HELP!