Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I'm not with my kid and someone asks me "Where's the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.

   Dear rappers, please stop putting police sirens in your music. When I'm driving it scares the crap out of me.

   Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP' out loud instead of just in my head.

   I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure

   If I'm old enough to be your mother we can't date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

   Someone told me: Don't fall in love, you might get hurt. I said: Don't live, you might die..

   When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, "Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint

   I think its my mom's birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check.

   At this point I'm guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds

   If a woman raises her voice during an argument she's really saying, "STOP THROWING LOGIC AT ME WHEN I'm TRYING TO BE IRRATIONAL!"

   I just want to be held.....against my will.....by a tribe of sex crazed amazon women.

   I don't know why the FCC is always complaining about sex on tv. A little sex on tv never hurt anyone.....unless you fall off.

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   I bet you're naked under those clothes... You slut

   A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers.

   Never give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   That akwward moment when... you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.

   I can hear Wiener's pick-up line....."My bologna has a first name....

   Girls here's an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.

   Hey Facebook.. If I "UNFRIEND" someone.. Please don't put them in my "People you may know".. Of Course I F*ckin know them! I just choose not to be friends with them!