Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “If I was a dog, I would so hump your leg right now!”

   "No, officer, I wasn't driving with my eyes closed. I'm part-Chinese."

   If i'm ever convicted of murder it will be because I had to say"excuse me" to many times while pushing a basket in Wal Mart.

   A smile is way better than a duck face...

   It should really be called 'teethpaste'

   My friend said to me, "you should start drinking Ensure" and I said, "if I'm going replace a meal with a beverage its going to be beer..."

   Age is no guarantee of maturity.

   The weather is so hot it just told me I’d make a great friend.

   I never borrow money from people because payback is a b*tch.

   One of the worst things that can happen to you is closing a tab by mistake and you don't know which website was it on.

   Guns and Explosions in Disney Parks? I think they are opening a Pakistan Pavillion at Epcot!

   Just got back from the ER. They told me that my Gallbladder was unremarkable. I'm kind of fond of it though.

   There's nothing that screams "originality' like a bar named Cheers.

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him.

   The saddest bachelor parties are the ones where they didn't realize the girl goes in the cake AFTER it's baked.

   Recent statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette

   I'm not just hungry...I'm Oprah hungry.....

   If one more teenager uses the term 'Back in the day'...I swear I'm gonna smack the Cr@p out of them with a floppy disk and choke them with my Members Only jacket!!!

   The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there

   It's Friday! The only two who aren't excited about that are my bank account and my liver.