Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh christ it's Olympic Soccer. If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd take some of my single friends to the bar.

   Facebook is comprised of psych0s. 49% make you think that their lives are the most perfect thing ever, and the other 49% make you think that their lives are the worst thing ever. The other 2% are you n' me.

   ‎"Metrosexuality... Is the end to sexuality as we know it." - Homer Simpson.

   G0D must be a vegetarian. He never talks about eating meat...it's always "daily bread" this and "breaking bread" that and "take this bread and eat it to remember me by" etc. What a carb lover he turned out to be.

   If you ever find yourself wondering if there is someone new in their life, chances are there is.

   The lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying

   Cuddled up to my girlfriend last night, she said, “Aw you finally chose me over Facebook!” I just didn't have the heart to tell her my battery just died.

   I wish I were Gilbert Gottfried. He made it big from his only defining talent. The ability to squint for an hour.

   I can summarise the 10 commandments into one: DON'T BE A DOUCHEBAG.

   "Thank god that day is over"-- Chikens

   Today is World Middle Finger Day...use it

   Women are weird and difficult and frustrating but they sure do taste good.

   I won't lie. I only started drinking coffee after I got too old for cocaine.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   Have you ever noticed that the crazies around h3re really suck at spelling and grammar?

   It's not pretty being easy.

   B!tch don't flatter yourself. You're not even on my radar.

   Ladies; The "JUICY" on the back of these shorts should really be on the front.

   Wow, the U.S. sychronized men's diving team are extreme h0m0sexuals.

   I work and pay taxes so the wealthy dont have to,