Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't we all just learn how to swim?

   10 yrs from now: Dad, how'd you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic, so I had to friend request that...

   I'm not saying you're boring, but my mind is break-dancing while you talk.

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right." Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   If you are ALWAYS posting status updates about your “HATERS,” chances are I'm one of them.

   ..which is why I start my sentences in the middle. 

   Sex is like pizza. When's it's good it's good. When it's bad it's still pretty good.

   Liking and commenting on the same status, gives me a false sence of notification.

   She says I am her one and only love, but she has a whole photo album dedicated to Brad Pitt while my single pic on her page is languishing under wall pictures.

   Happy Ugly Father's day tie, day!

   It's Friday, Yay the weekends here...<BLINK> Monday? WTF?

   Metallica is now changing their name to lica ..cause they no longer play Metal

   I'm not saying your a slut, but you have had more balls in your mouth then the hungry hungry hippos

   Why do all gang members have arthritis in their fingers?

   I hate Monday's...... and condoms.

   They called it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

   Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just 30 seconds?

   Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

   Guys.. never raise your hand to a woman... it leaves your groin exposed

   If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and sh!t.