Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With "Slim T's" t-shirts Man has finally perfected the Wifebeater-girdle.

   Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?

   I don't get why everyone told me how great it is to swim with dolphins. I've been stuck in this tuna net for five days.

   I always eat at McDonald's when they do the Monopoly pieces. 1 in 4 wins obesity.

   If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.

   We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!

   Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone.

   You drink a lot. You use crude language. You have low morals. You're exactly what I'm looking for in a friend!

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

   I decided to follow my dreams and it led me to a casino, then to 4 bars, an hour ago I was in a gun shop and now I'm in front of a bank.

   Today is the day in some households, that colored eggs get dumped in the trash. Because enough is enough.

   milk expires tomorrow, guess who's having 3 bowls of cereal tonight!:D

   We've got way too many pointless idioms but at the end of the day it is what it is & it's all good.

   I want to fist punch any grown man that fist pumps

   No human society exists without booze or religion. That's why we drink religiously.

   The only funny thing about jay leno is that he's going to die someday.

   All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.

   How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it's right in front of them?!

   If you don't enjoy scaring dogs by talking through a cardboard wrapping paper tube, don't bother stopping by my house on Christmas morning.

   If I were Vera Wang and I had a boy, I would name him Very Large Wang.