Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We really owe it to our friends to tell them when their baby is ugly.

   What is it with lesbians? If they hate men so much, why do they dress like them? You never see a Jew dressed as a Nazi.

   Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

   beware the ides of march...

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

   Don't you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?

   We thought a 747 was landing in the hall last night. After checking everything out it was just a central air unit flying south for the summer!

   My magic watch say's you don't have any underwear on... Oh, you do?... It must be 15 minutes fast.

   time to diet, my belly button went from looking surprised to a full blown grimace

   Ladies, if you love a man, set him free. If he comes back he will be yours forever. If he doesn't, the new chick probably does anil.

   You can't judge a book by it's cover...but you can judge milk by it's smell.

   Just realized.. I called one of my customers from work 48 times.. While trying to vote for someone on a reality tv show... Whoopsies

   People say, "You have to work on a marriage." No thank you. I already have a job.

   Sometimes Karma takes way too long. I would rather beat the crap out of you NOW!

   I just bumped into my sexy neighbour. She said, "Hows the little one,

   Not sure if FB will exist when I die, but if it does, please don't write on my wall after that, it will re- kill me if I can't answer all of your posts, and even worse, if I can't delete some of them.

   I'm one boob, you're the other boob and together...we're Breast friends.

   <----Thinks it adds more stress going to a Spa and paying $ 160 an hour for Swedish !

   There's a difference between being funny and being annoying.

   "Luke, I'm like totally your father. Party on." ~~Garth Vader