Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?

   Manslaughter: The sound a man makes when laughing.

   I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   I don't trust this 'would you like cash back' bullsh!t. I'm trying to give you my money, but you're also trying to give me my money? Weird.

   I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die." I'm surprised "yell for help" didn't make the list.

   I'm feeling lucky to still have enough room in my head for all the things that shouldn't come out of my mouth.

   Dear Google, I successfully received the 5 notifications, 18 emails, and 6 popups about your changed privacy policy. Please send more.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.

   Guys that take Yoga classes need their man card taken away and shoved up their ass. Oh, nevermind... they'd probably just bend over and pick it out with their teeth.

   No regrets when speaking what's on your mind !

   Talking to your ex about your past relationship with them is like logging back on to MySpace. Once you've logged in, you will instantly realize why you left in the first place.

   Before you try to change others, remember how hard it is to change yourself.

   I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate ba$tard decided to bounce off my windshield.

   I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.

   preparing for next Halloween..... Just ordered a pinata costume for his wife and enough sticks for all the kids in the neighborhood.

   Wait, I'm still looking for a duck to give ('-' ) (._. ) ( ._. ) ( '-' ) ( ._.) ( '-') ... Damn, looks like I can't find it ¯\(ツ)/¯

   I tried to give the kids piggie back rides and now they're covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid.

   I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

   Fortune cookies should have more useful information on them… like… never feed tacos to a child you're potty training.