Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws..only catapults

   HAPPY HOUR - Where the worst selling and nastiest tasting alcoholic beverages are sold for half price to a bunch of alcoholics too drunk to notice.

   The #1 song when you were born is a great idea, however, if they came out with an app that gave the #1 song when you died, I think I would stop listening to music

   The Allstate guy doesn't count as a black friend.

   thinks peeple hoo dont no how to spel shuldnt make up status's for da hole wurld to see.

   When I was a kid, I remember trying to stay up all night until the sun came up was such a challenge and so cool. Now its almost a ritual and dreaded.

   UHHHHHHHH!!!.....UHHHHHHHH!!!!.....UHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!....UHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Oh, sorry; just playing tennis with myself.

   The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.

   I'm like a newborn baby when I wake up with a hangover. Unaware of my surroundings, sensitive to light and covered in God knows what.

   When playing Modern Warfare 3 video game, is the menu suppose to…okay, I guess by now the girls have stopped reading. So fellas, any of you out there get nervous when make up sex starts with a BJ?

   Fellas: She exercises with a Shake Weight to perfect her hand job, marry her

   I just read a news article with the headline "Woman beats off rapist" and I thought, "Well, that seems like a reasonable compromise...."

   ATTENTION LADIES!, If he only wants your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC;

   Dear fake profile with bikini pics that just friend requested me: 1. I have a great memory for hot chicks; I don't know you. 2. 52 of our "mutual friends" are idiots. 3.They're all guys......color me surprised.

   Forget Vi@gra. They need to invent a pill that'll make a girl like me for four hours.

   "I don't know why poor people hate me. There's always a new refrigerator box in my front yard for them to use."~ Rush Limbaugh

   Be careful who you call friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.

   Dear Mr. Kotter, Juan was unable to complete his homework because he had to take me to the Doctor for my lumbago. Signed, Epstein's Mother RIP Robert Hegyes

   Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral in all of their stores?

   Alanis Morissette should have had one hand in her pocket, and the other one Googling the correct usage of the word ironic.