Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I really lived every day like it's my last, I would have diabetes and multiple STD's.

   Manicure might have the word "Man" in it, but if you get one, you're gay.

   New internet piracy laws are SOPAthetic

   saw two homeless people hitting eachother with cardboard boxes... pillow fight?

   If you can't say anything nice, say something vague on Facebook.

   Apparently, the Pope says that condoms 'make things worse' in regards to the AIDS epidemic. The day I take sex advice from an 82-year-old virgin, is the same day I take parenting advice from Kate and Gerry McCann.

   Some dude at the store was giving me googly eyes. I didn't know whether to be flattered or offended. Then I realized that I accidently went out wearing my daughters Twilight t-shirt. Whoopsie!

   I BUY all my cassettes at truck stops. Suck it SOPA

   The only thing more ferocious than a T-Rex guarding a nest is the too-drunk-to-dance chick that was left behind to guard purses.

   Saw a Cougar wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar. It's a jungle out there.

   A team of researchers has concluded that the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Thank God. Now I can just focus on finding my remote.

   My girl keeps her hair short so instead of holding back her hair when she pukes, I keep her boobs out of the way. I'm nice like that.

   I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took.

   A team of researchers have concluded the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Obviously they were looking in the wrong place....

   Girl says "if you dont like what I post then dont read it or delete me", now I'm getting messages in my inbox from the girl not understanding why I deleted her.

   Governments that try to control the Internet are SOPAthetic.

   Does a prostitute file pregnancy as a work-related accident?

   In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

   Pack of gum, 10 chances to turn an enemy into a friend

   Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned