Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The date I had last night didn't go very well. She called me immature. But its okay. She has cooties anyway. :-P

   Nothing says ego trip like knowing you're completely unqualified yet still running for president.

   Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.

   Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat, then I remember they just feed off attention.

   Going to: ❒ Paris ❒ New York ❒ London ✔ KITCHEN, I'm hungry

   My get up and go attitude got up and left me

   I find humor in everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at

   Just woke up. Ice cream melted. Not sure where I am. Smells like basement.

   Camping. Camping? Listen up Mr. and Mrs.Field and Stream...My idea of roughing it is a Motel 6 with no cable.

   Sadly there comes a day in every Father/Son Relationship where your son asserts himself by simply saying "No thank you" when you say "Pull my finger".

   Does this status update make me look fat?

   Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!

   There's a new way to transfer funds that's even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

   I am that little chocolate you find when you least expect it and need it the most!!

   Sometimes, in order to get a clearer picture of things, you must take a few steps back.

   Making love is like making pancakes. When done on one side, flip over to finish.

   Where did you learn how to whisper? In a damn helicopter? Geeez

   Making love is an art form and there is always some guy who doesn't know how to use his paintbrush. And there is always some girl whose canvas has had one too many brushstrokes.

   vodka does for me what spinach does for Popeye.

   My G.P.S...Does not know ..how to get to Sesame Street,,,??