Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

   I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

   Man it's already half way through the year. Time flies when the world is falling apart.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?

   How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?

   There are more than 7 billion people on the planet. Can we finally stop calling it the miracle of birth?

   I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.

   I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....

   If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.

   I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

   If I was Obama, I would have made my speech entrance by pushing a wheelbarrow with Bin Laden's body in it, dumped it on the ground and said, "We got him." That would've been bad-ass!

   popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $4. watchng ur frends bite into a caramel onion thinkin its an apple: priceless.

   Hey Facebook...if its not broke, don't fix it!! The new photo viewer sucks!

   Dear public bathrooms, Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, nobody wants to wipe their a$s with a handful of confetti.

   I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

   When a package says "Easy open" I end up using a knife, scissors, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   Just saw a bumper sticker that said Distracted drivers crash, hang up and drive. Then I crashed into him because I was reading the sticker.

   I have Big Boobs, I am amazing at Call of Duty, and I can make a really good sandwich, Unfortunately I am a guy...

   Ghetto word of the day: Bishop. My girlfriend fell down, so I pick the bishop.

   I have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake and I like it :-)