Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I gotta wait a half hour after eating before getting in the pool, let’s face it, I’m never getting in the pool.

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.....The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.... Feeling better today

   I broke off my relationship with a woman I met a few days ago. I got a good look at both her ex and her kids. I became nauseated at the thought of went in her and what's popped out.

   I dropped my KFC at the treadmill and now they are revoking my Gym membership, how unreasonable

   I was caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring until 2am...

   Are 3-year-olds dishwasher safe?

   Been getting a lot of things done lately thanks to a wonderful Facebook feature I love using you could find under settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   Couldn't you have told me that my password was incorrect BEFORE you made me select all the pictures that have motorcycles?

   A guy at the gas station asked the clerk for $5 on pump 3. Where is he going? Pump 4??

   I’m not wearing green today because I have a pinching fetish.

   Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

   You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

   I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

   Me: sneezes Microchip in my left arm: Bless you.

   People say "love' is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is a lot better.

   Talk like a drunken Irishman and say "Whale Oil Beef Hooked."

   After two separate leg injuries to myself this evening, my lounge coffee table now identifies as Courtney Stubtoe-Ouch.

   Chris Rock breaks silence: "I just want to know if the carpet matches the drapes."

   Yo mama so fat she starts practicing for dinner after lunch.

   Lost my job as a Walmart greeter yesterday. According to company policy, I can tell people, 'Welcome to Walmart', but I'm not allowed to add 'And that's not just the booze talking, either!'