Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont like to flip the bird to anyone espcially first thing in the morning, but being constantly honked at when I CANT go anywhere make's me want to do just that!!!

   Mark Zukerberg getting married already cost him a fortune......

   whats the deal with that Papa Johns dude and his long pauses???

   If anyone secretly videotaped me yesterday go to 5:22:16. It's me trying to put on jeans after a massage

   If your turds aren't green tomorrow then you're doing it wrong today...

   Let's start checking & accounting accounts together. Ha, Right!

   went to doctor yesterday. the nurse had to stick me with the needle 5 times...with that much poking was they being a nurse or a facebook friend?

   I am Happy my kids are older now. But I do miss running around all night in the Pink Bunny Suit from the Christmas Story on Easter Eve.

   Guys, if I'm singing a show tune with my pants around my ankles, that means I'm occupying at least three urinals, okay? Don't be creepy!

   "For the love of honey!" - Grizzly bear

   "We should mate" "WHAT!?" "I said date, we should date sometime, ya know just the 2 of us.

   ive started drinking raw milk.

   i can show my love to her everyday <3 valentines day is just another day :-)

   women stop complaining about wearing heels that hurt and man up!!

   Just let me be a Hot Mess for One Hot Minute 'til I can find a new Hot Played-Out Idiom.

   Making a new facebook will not get you more messages.

   I'm getting suspicious about my doctor, I think he's trying to turn me into MJ or Whitney on the slide......

   that's it broom I won't stand for this no longer...i dont want you no more...i can stand on my own two feet....just go I know you will sweep some one else off their feet again:(

   just thought of a good prank...if closterphobic friend passes out drunk & about to awaken slip a bag over their head 9with breathing holes) & watch the fun happen when they realize where they are

   dyslexic people are weird. they pray to a dog