Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait til last minute to buy Christmas presents for the elderly, could save you lots of money..

   Micro chips in dogs and cats ..why aren't Humans doing this..?

   I wonder if the Def Lepard version of Rock Band will come with only one drum stick?...what...too soon?

   I told my roommate this morning if my dinner isn't on the table when I get home from work he's gettin the beating of his life. Then I hid the table

   Life is your audition for heaven or hell.

   You know you're an unwanted ugly child when you have been breast fed by the family dog

   Don't worry divorced ladies, the zombies wont eat you because you are too fu*king bitter

   when I know I have terrible gas, I sometimes wear a gas mask in the shower because 'shower farts' are by far the deadliest

   Ambulances are SUCH drama queens.

   Any of you guys got a rope and a shaky chair which I could borrow for a sec?

   Edward isn't a vampire, he lives in the forest, he doesn't eat people, and he sparkles..Dat fool is obviously a fairy a$$.

   even google translate doesn't translate what women say

   Watched " Soul surfer " on my " On demand " last night . I have to admit , it takes true dedication to your art to let them cut your arm off for a two hour movie .

   Lazy rule; can`t reach it, don`t need it.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   I stay high because it doesn't hurt from up here.

   when you're stressed, you eat Ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is Desserts.

   I wish a girl would invite me in her house and not give me that ass.... B*tch I'm slamming doors, banging pots and blowing the horn when I leave.

   I'd beat you up, but that might be considered animal abuse.

   Kittens FB page has more likes than God's FB page...