Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can save 15% or more on your HOSPITAL BILL by switching to BLM.

   I may need a helping hand with my New Year's resolution in giving up masterbating.

   Well slap my ass and call me a McDonald's ice cream machine, 'cause I'm broke.

   I don't want to live anymore I'm going on vacation to Santo Domingo

   Much like the Atlanta Falcons, Aaron Hernandez choked in the end.

   I was on the bus today and farted. Four people turned around. I thought I was on the voice.

   The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.

   I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

   Fashion in the 90s either looked like you hadn’t showered in weeks or like you were Tinkerbell. There was no in between.

   Being a police officer is an occupation, a choice. It comes with a salary and benefits just like any other jobs. AllJobsMatter

   Mike Pence's home State Republicans are delighted he's running for Vice President rather then re-election as Govenor because they're worried HE WOULD LOSE!

   Russia's intelligence agency the FSB, successor to the KGB, has posted a notice on its website claiming that it now has the ability to collect crypto keys for Internet services that use encryption. Thanks Donald Trump!!

   It costs you nothing to pay someone a compliment. Be nice to someone today. Kindness is contagious.

   If your city doesn't have a jazz or classical radio station, chances are your neighbors own lots of guns.

   One of the best feelings in the world is when you hug someone you love and they pepper spray you.

   ...it's ok that it's not movie quality!.

   So a priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says "What is this? Some kind of f@*king joke???"

   I have decided this Valentines I am going to get prostitutes off the streets .... For an hour or so ..

   Taking my wife to see the Muppets tonight. I hope her mum cooks something I like this time

   I've got 99 problems, so I metaphorically placed each one in a luftballoon and then send them on their way to the horizon.