Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

   I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.

   If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.

   Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.

   So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?

   Alert and sober is no way to go through life.

   If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?

   Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you try to put them in the trunk that they start to freak out.

   what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw

   I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today. It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old. I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019. Good thing they dug it up when they did.

   The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore.

   Lyft and Uber will have you outside, looking like a prostitute. My goodness..

   My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt

   Are we really that bored and stupid as a country that the “Tide Pod Challenge “ is even a thing? Wtf

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.

   I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.