Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy

   My kids outgoing voicemail message says,," I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."

   You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,

   If you LOVE something, set it free.. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang

   Apparently women who go off the pill may become less attractive to their significant other. Who knew the pill was like beer goggles.

   a lot of ppl tend to over react to the situation before even knowing the true story

   If FOOD was a WOMAN i'd Marry her...

   I'm starting to forget how the alphabet goes... ABCDEFGHIJKLMFAO.....

   The internets recipe for Cream Pie is different than my Grandmothers

   I wonder if Michael Jackson looks like he did in Thriller yet

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.

   If you play a Nicki Minaj song and a Snoop song at the same time, you can understand what they're saying

   Girls are like Jedi's, they can lift things without even touching them... if you know what I mean.

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Depends on how drunk I am.

   I feel old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90's.

   Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

   Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. - I'm out bitc$es

   Tim Tebow's Easter sermon ended abruptly when he was replaced by Peyton Manning halfway through it.

   Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? I hope so because thats the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.

   first 5 seconds are about the pill. the following 25 are about what could go wrong?? is it me????