Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bath Salt party at my place tonight, parents are out of town!

   These bathsalts sure do make me feel funny.....

   I wish some people's clothes were made of Touch Screen Material !! :0)

   I prefer to believe that Eleanor Rigby was really quite popular,, and that her funeral just happened to coincide with the "American Idol" finale.

   Anyone else with a Blackberry wanna play Draw Nothing?

   FB is turning to be Bravo TV of the internet- too much drama and cat fights!!

   When a Mormon knocks on your door to tell you the "good word" you don't answer....why the hell would you want one to lead your country?

   Look, unless you're not blind, get your dog off your lap while you're driving

   Toasters as wedding gifts don't make sense. If you and the person you're marrying don't have a toaster maybe you're not ready to be married.

   The most awkward part of going to a satanist church is when you get inside and everyone is wearing a snuggy.

   I'm glad the whole planking phase is over. Now I can go back to napping on the sidewalk without worrying a picture will show up on Facebook.

   Keep it down kids,,,, Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   I win a lot of arm wrestling matches because of my technique of looking my competitor in the eye while playing footsie under the table.

   The same fat ass who won't get off the couch for days will look like an Olympic speed walker when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

   I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, tossing my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

   If you don't listen to songs you loved in high school while you're drunk & cry as you text your HS gym teacher, than neither do I.

   Anyone that says "time is money" has never tried pay for a beer with 15 minutes.

   Just once on Cops, Id like to see a shirtless criminal try to skip away from the cops instead of running

   No matter how long or how thick they come in, I'm never satisfied!! Damn mascara!!!

   Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook