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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"... 
I can turn any song into the explict version if I dont really know the words.
Everyone has awesome boobs in their bitstrip
Reece's Peanut Butter C Cups. Someone get to work on this. Now.
Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!
In my will I am leaving everything to the imagination.
The big movies right now in theaters are Robocop, Endless Love, and About Last Night. I feel like it's the end of the 80s all over again.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.
I am sorry I wasn't being completely honest when I said I was normal.
There is a special place in hell for idiots who bring babies to the movie house.
It's as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
I didn't know how badly we're losing the war on stupidity til I joined Facebook.
A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.
Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...
says Happy Friday @ 5:00 pm! If an ice cold, tall, 22 ounce Miller Lite is wrong, I dont wanna be right...
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot
Words of wisdom: Never turn on your windshield washer, going 60 mph, and your sun roof open. Unless you want to wake the kids in the back seat.
I once was on a diet for a month and lost 30 days
I'm not that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. 