Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   You can always count on the sperm bank to take the load off of your hands.

   Dear Girls : No Need To Do Anything For Halloween … Just Remove The Makeup And Go To The Party

   I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.

   The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.

   What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.

   I deserve to be important to someone......... I've spent too much time showing the wrong people they are important to me.

   You'd think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.

   Her phone display is brighter than her future.

   The other idiots at the interview didn't stand a chance, I wore 4 ties.

   The best part of the Grammys is not watching them.

   My bicycle lets you know that I am economical and environmentally responsible. The streamers on the handlebars let you know that I party hard

   If you're single and you know it pet your cat.

   When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon

   Bruce Jenner went from paying $20 to get into the club to getting in for free.

   Here's an idea: When in doubt, shut your mouth.

   My Psychiatrist is getting tired of starting our sessions with "Why do you think they unfollowed you?"

   Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"

   You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.

   She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she's gathering evidence.