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Just showed up at Walmart in an outfit I bought at Target,,, People think I'm some kind of movie star. 
I feel kinda sorry for Lamar Odom. Imagine the horror of waking up from a coma and the first thing you see is a Kardashian.
Maybe the baby wasn't on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.
Last time there was this much crap over a cup there were two girls involved
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Dating progression Me at 16: She's ugly. Me at 21: She's alright. Me at 30: I'd hit that. Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.
My wife said I don't do enough work around the house. Its like she thinks this FB account just runs itself.........smh
First time I ever saw a dry-erase board I said "that's remarkable."
Married people are the best flirters.
Do you know how many people were gored in Spain during the running of the bulls? Same as last year: Not enough
Shakespeare once said: "It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography."
Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here in Government first.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
"You're beautiful. No, you're beautiful! No, No, you're Beautiful. No No No. You're beautiful." -Girls on Facebook Profile Pictures
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher!!
Your Tapout shirt implies you will kick my a$$, but your fake tan says you want to do something else to my a$$
We all have that one facebook friend that acts like it's their job to keep everyone updated on the weather, current events, and other meaningless sh!t with their status.
#ConradMurray guilty...guess this was the way to take the attention off of MJ being a weirdo with a drug addtction
I sent a Facebook friend request to the girl who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from her house.
Ladies, If you would simply make your Facebook profile pic a bikini shot, it would save me a lot of awkward stalking time. 