Funny Status Messages

   Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.

   The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.

   Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.

   Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.

   Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

   If ANY of my posts have made even one person's day better,, then there's something seriously wrong with that person

   Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself "it's amazing I turned out as good as I did." Then realize you said it aloud?

   I choose butter over margarine because I trust cows more than I trust chemists.

   Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.

   It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.

   Let's face it ladies, if men walked around with b0ners you'd stare at them too.

   Lean Cuisine: Because I like a snack before my real lunch.

   In the end, girls really just want one thing from guys, all of our hoodies.

   Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?"

   at what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted?

   "Women are made to be loved, not understood." - Oscar Wilde

   MySpace is the VHS of the internet.

   If you fall and break both of your legs, don't come running to me.

   Now that we know you girls were talking about a purse, how about now you tell us where do you REALLY like it..

   Hey mylife, I can promise you, 28 people are NOT searching for me! Quit lying!