Funny Status Messages

   Best part of living alone...clothing optional

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll.

   My missus said "get some of those tablets that help you get an erection", should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills!

   SWAG=Secret Way Of Acting Gay.

   My car runs on gas.. Not friendship. So pay the f*ck up.

   I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

   If someone doesn't stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it's totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.

   That cougar on the cover of Time magazine is taking' it a bit too far.

   Your proctologist called. He found your head.

   Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

   Don't be humble. You're not that great...

   Premature Ejaculation ads make car rides awkward.....

   I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.

   I've always wondered what would happen if I deleted my recycle bin...

   If fanny packs were actually awesome, do you realize how easier life would be?

   On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

   ‎"Username or Password Incorrect" Couldn't you just tell me which one?

   I guess, I just don't get the whole, shaved off and drawn on eyebrow thingee women got going on.

   Telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows.

   I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.