Funny Status Messages

   My automatic ice maker has 2 settings... 1) Off....... 2) It's 3 AM & There's a Killer in the Kitchen

   Being 'clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store.

   FACT:There is no angry way to say ‘bubbles.’

   Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It's like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, "Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?"

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.

   I'm not saying don't trust the internet but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I've won & the number of ipads I own

   Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it ''Decisions, Decisions''.

   In 10 years I'm opening a lower-back tattoo removal clinic called 'Mom What's That?'

   If you ever decide to commit suicide by jumping from a building, the least you could do is wear a cape first.

   If you love somebody... Let them go. If they come back, no one wanted them

   No one has higher hopes than a newly divorced man in his 40's selecting his first bottle of Axe body spray

   A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.

   10 year old girls are crying because they broke up with their boyfriend. When I was 10 I cried because I missed the morning cartoons.

   Do you know why Californians love Thanksgiving Day?...It's the only time of year they get to see natural breast!

   If anyone happens to catch me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them back unblinking and still singing, until it is equally awkward for both of us.

   My relationship is definitely gaining ground. The judge reduced the restraining order from 400 to 100 feet.

   I hate that I have to delete your number to keep myself from texting you.

   Only true friends go straight to your fridge when they go to your house.

   Last week a German satellite fell from the sky, but fortunately they warned everyone ahead of time so France would not surrender.

   Allow me to explain marriage to you non-married people: You know how some people have friends with benefits? It's the complete opposite of that.