Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken." 
A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Women get $5000.00 for donating eggs. Men get fifty bucks for donating sperm. Fifty bucks? I got a towel next to the bed that's worth $200,000.00
When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect. Although I never did receive that Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.
An Australian kiss is same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Live like a kindergartener, you dont have to have the coolest clothes or hottest girlfriend you just have to have the biggest box of crayons
I finally friended my wife on Facebook to get updates on our relationship.
Sticks an stones will break my bones, but This Shovel will knock you the F*ck out!!
Parents today are spending thousands of dollars "child-proofing" their home. When I was little we stuck our fork in the wall socket ONE time. Our parents let us do it, and they saved thousands of dollars.
I wish falling in love had traffic lights, so that I would know if I should: Go for it, slow down, or just stop.
Sarcasm is an art.. and some people just don't have an appreciation for art.
Wearing pajamas and a robe. I feel like Hugh Hefner, minus everything.
How come nobody ever says "everything happens for a reason" after something good happens?
Three Apples changed the world. The first one tempted Eve, the second inspired Newton and the third was offered to the world half eaten by Steve Jobs. RIP
watched numerous horror movies without so much as a flinch, but I just crapped a brick when the toast popped up out of the toaster.
Anybody who says they could never conceive of killing another human being just needs to meet more people.
A friend will calm you down when you are angry. A best friend will skip beside you with a bat singing, "Someones gonna get it"
99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is.
if you love something and you were dumb enough to let it go then you didn't deserve it in the first place. 