Funny Status Messages

   My favorite yoga pose is mouthward facing pie.

   How many Denver broncos does it take to change a flat tire? One, unless it's a blowout, then the whole team shows up

   The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.

   Waffles are just Pancakes with abs.

   The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.

   Comcast acquiring Time Warner Cable is like Nickelback and Creed deciding to go on tour together.

   My trust issues are so bad that I don't even believe people when they use their turn signals.

   No more Game of Thrones for my husband. Every time I eat a donut he follows me around the house saying "Shame. Shame. Shame."

   Ashley Madison's servers were hacked, just in case your husband seems really nervous today for no reason...

   Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good.

   I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch

   Not to cause a panic but i'm starting to think we're running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.

   Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.

   Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

   It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter

   Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don't know who this woman is but she's my new life coach.

   The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.

   I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. I only have 13 more to go!

   Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?

   I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook It's much clearer now