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Kim Kardashian requests her privacy during this time. Just her, an E! camera crew & 30 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face. 
Instead of laughing my ass off, I'm going to start laughing my stomach off. I'd rather lose that.
Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t.
A huge ass spider crawled across my bed and now I can't sleep because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
thinks directing a few airplanes at JFK would be child's play.
-- I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I'm calling it a 'Towel'. .....
survived April Fools Day without being pranked, however there was a baby on my doorstep this morning, but i'm pretty sure thats unrelated.
Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.
What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction? Boneless chicken
REMEMBER:If you burn down your house on Thanksgiving....the Turkey wins.
Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don't panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we're not that far from you.
Score ! I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough...... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there's a movie I'd pay to see.
It's not that I hate you, it's just.. well i'll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I'd drink i
just cause they make size 16 daisy dukes, doesn't mean you should wear size 16 daisy dukes.
LOVE it when i'm home alone! There is nobody to verify that I have done NOTHING in the last 2 hours.
you know what works better than a rape whistle? a rape pistol.
it sexual herassment if a midget tells you your hair smells good?
When someone rings the doorbell...why do dogs always assume it's for them ??? 