Funny Status Messages

   What is the meanest thing you can do to a person? Take the light bulb out of the bathroom and leave the plunger in the toilet!

   Wives & girlfriends are temporary but ex-wives & ex-girlfriends last forever.

   If a girl will play video games with you while she is naked, you should marry her.

   You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you alot and think of you often.

   mourning the passing of Saturday & Sunday. *pours out a bit of coffee* "I enjoyed the times we had. You'll be sorely missed." *Glances at Monday.* *Monday stares back.* "Awkward."

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

   I'm pretty sure that just before I get to Walmart some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping

   It's safe to assume more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   Dusting off the old VHS sex tape my wife and I made. We watch it every Valentines and cry.

   Whoever said "you can't fold a piece of paper in half 8 times" has clearly never seen me wipe my a$$ with the last sheet of toilet paper.

   Don't get me wrong, I respect the Amish. What I really wonder is what invention a long time ago caused an entire group of people to go "No! No more technology for us."

   Kim Kardashian requests her privacy during this time. Just her, an E! camera crew & 30 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   Instead of laughing my ass off, I'm going to start laughing my stomach off. I'd rather lose that.

   Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t.

   A huge ass spider crawled across my bed and now I can't sleep because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.

   This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.

   thinks directing a few airplanes at JFK would be child's play.

   -- I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I'm calling it a 'Towel'. .....

   survived April Fools Day without being pranked, however there was a baby on my doorstep this morning, but i'm pretty sure thats unrelated.

   Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.