Funny Status Messages

   My wife is taking my kids to go see the nut cracker this weekend. Of course I'm talking about my mother in law not the show.

   Did you know if you watch Twilight backwards, it's still sh!t?

   Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.

   Apparently waking your girlfriend up with oral sex is only romantic if you're the giver.

   Blow Jobs are better than No Jobs - Bill Clinton

   just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast gaurd. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty...

   Someone left their toenail clippers touching my toothbrush now I have to burn the house down and start over.

   Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.

   Screw the fiscal cliff! Where's the Twinkie bailout?!

   I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

   "No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the Hampster was dead?!!!

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!" - DMV interview process

   Got a little too much Sun today! I knew I should have closed the blinds!

   I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.

   Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.

   2014 is in 4 months.. Let that sink in

   I am sooo glad I was young, wild & crazy before there were cell phones & evidence.

   I learned something today....but I'm not telling you what because knowledge is power!

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed