Funny Status Messages

   Bieber wasn't in that car by chance was he?

   not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

   "Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like the side view.

   Heads up... If your significant other is paranoid about you cheating, it probably means they are.

   You need to have an open mind, but not so open that your common sense falls out.

   A Sunday school teacher once saw me leave a door wide open and asked "Were you born in a Barn?!" She shut up real quick when I replied "You mean like JESUS?!!!"

   I'm gonna build a fort under my desk. I checked the employee handbook and there's nothing in there saying I can't..

   saw a sign in the hospital the other day that read "Family Planning - Use rear entrance" ........ good advice I thought

   Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

   "Who are we?" "Women!" "What do we want?" "We don't know!" "When do we want it?" "Now!"

   If I get a teardrop tattoo, do the welfare checks come to the house or is it direct deposit?

   Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

   We're only 4 years away from when Back to the Future 2 happens.

   My 4 year old is going through a phase where he screams out what he is about to do before he does it. I had to explain to him that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that....

   girl, your pants are so tight, I could read your lips!

   The Hero who shot the Texas church shooter was a NRA Certified Instructor armed with an AR15.

   How come people that should never be allowed to reproduce have the most kids?

   V@gina jokes are not funny at all. Period.

   What an alleged ‘drug dealer' said to the Judge, “Weed is not a drug, it's a plant. Therefore, I am not a dealer, I'm a Florist.”

   Monica Lewinsky turns 39!! They grow up so fast...seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees puting everything in her mouth!!!