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Happy Single-Awareness Day! 
When deciding which self-checkout line to stand in, I don't look to see how many items they have, I look to see how intelligent they look.
I'm going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.
Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"
Tony Romo tried to throw a Superbowl party but it was intercepted
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
I work out. Just kidding, I take naps.
If you're riding shotgun, you're automatically on cop look-out. With great power comes great responsibility.
Starting to think Herman Cain only ran for President so people would find out how much he gets laid.
Dad: “A little bird tells me you are doing drugs” Son: “You're talking to birds and I'm the one doing drugs?”
When I exercise at the gym, I wear all black. It's like a funeral for my fat.
My wife came home with a v!brator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" But guess who had to put the batteries in?
It makes no sense for a 911 operator to put you on hold: "911 please hold.""Ok, wait. Stop stabbing me for a sec." Murderer: "K"
my son just said, "nobody needs a girlfriend till you're married!!"....hmmm...great advice I thought....
The guy that did Super Size Me should of done it during Monopoly month.
I'm pretty sure Whoopi Goldberg is Lil Wayne's real mother..
People who write "WASH ME" on dirty cars are the same people who think "Pull My Finger" is the most hilarious game ever 