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Pouring milk on Doritos and pretending it's cereal isn't as good of an idea as I thought it would be. 
I don't know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Someone needs to help Rihanna, she likes rude boys, loves it when people lie to her, and apparently forgot her name
Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"
I work out. Just kidding, I take naps.
Tony Romo tried to throw a Superbowl party but it was intercepted
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
If you're riding shotgun, you're automatically on cop look-out. With great power comes great responsibility.
Starting to think Herman Cain only ran for President so people would find out how much he gets laid.
Dad: “A little bird tells me you are doing drugs” Son: “You're talking to birds and I'm the one doing drugs?”
When I exercise at the gym, I wear all black. It's like a funeral for my fat.
My wife came home with a v!brator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" But guess who had to put the batteries in?
It makes no sense for a 911 operator to put you on hold: "911 please hold.""Ok, wait. Stop stabbing me for a sec." Murderer: "K"
my son just said, "nobody needs a girlfriend till you're married!!"....hmmm...great advice I thought....
The guy that did Super Size Me should of done it during Monopoly month.
I'm pretty sure Whoopi Goldberg is Lil Wayne's real mother..
People who write "WASH ME" on dirty cars are the same people who think "Pull My Finger" is the most hilarious game ever
So, the U.S. Government has proposed to replace the $1 bill with a $1 coin. They say it will save $5.5 billion dollars. Time for me to cash in too... by producing a stripper g-string that will hold coins.
Need relationship advice? Use Baby Philosophy: If it stinks, change it.
Stress is the confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living $H!T out of some jerk who desperately deserves it
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