Funny Status Messages

   Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

   Just once I'd like a doctor to tell me I'm not getting enough beer in my diet.

   The Grammys would be awesome if it was actually about celebrating the best artists in the country. Instead it is just about which ones get the most corporate sponsorship and sound the most generic.

   Nike: Just Do It. Crocs: Just Don't.

   I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.

   Why don't they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

   Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.

   When I'm bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. I'm getting written up at Home Depot

   I have never seen a funnier headline than "Apple Releases Instructions for Deleting U2 Album It Provided for Free"

   Guy ahead of me at the ATM left his receipt and my balance is higher, so yeah, today is a good day after all!!

   I only use 10% of my brain,,, because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to the waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."

   BREAKING NEWS: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags...People who love picking up dog crap with their bare hands rejoice.

   You can't call it "Doggy Style" unless you scratch behind her ears and ask, "Now who's a good girl" after you finish.

   But seriously guys, ,,,, almost every time I've had cake I've eaten it, too.....................so

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

   I was so drunk last night at the bar. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.

   It funny that when it's black on white, it's a crime. When it it's white on black, it's a hate crime.

   Adam never let Eve boss him around. He wore the plants in the relationship.

   A womans shoes say a lot about her feelings believe it or not. For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.

   One time Bill Murray came up to me at a Wendys, took a fry off my tray, ate it, looked me dead in the eyes and said "Nobody's going to believe you"