Funny Status Messages

   Please don't bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them.

   Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.

   79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless

   I wish I had a friend like me

   I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!

   the difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer

   I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!

   Have you noticed that it's only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......

   "Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak".

   I bet I could win a gold medal for 'least amount of Olympics watched.' But I'll never know if I do.

   When I get to heaven I hope I don't hear the words, "Just a formality before we let you in, gonna take a look at your Facebook timeline."

   Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?

   Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

   If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

   Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

   Why is it "romantic" when Aladdin sings A Whole New World while flying on a carpet but "pathetic" when I sing it while laying on a bath mat?

   They will never find that missing airliner. By now it is safely tucked away in Kim Jong-un's garage.

   I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.

   That's right,, Doctor Smug, I DO drink eight glasses of water a day.... I just filter them through coffee grinds first.

   I don’t know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.