Funny Status Messages

   I don't know what's wrong with me and it's too expensive to find out.

   If I ever have to pay FaceBook to see what my friends are up to, we will be meeting back at the bar!

   Ironically, sweatpants are the least likely pant to get any sweat on them.

   Instead of "Whats on your mind" it should say " What's the reason for the meltdown today" .

   It's annoying when people take an unattractive quality they have and try to make it sound cute. "Umm I'm kind of a control freak. Like, I just REALLY like things my way. Ahaha(((:" B!tch shut up.

   Everyone knows someone that can't take the hint when you're trying to end a conversation with them.

   Having a "20 items or less" express lane at Wal-Mart is pointless when your customers don't know how to count.

   Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!!!!

   *Low battery* *Low battery* *Low battery* Well apparently you have enough battery to Remind Me every 2 seconds

   Facebook: Helping you acknowledge the existence of people you had been successfully ignoring for years.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right. My life has been a never ending quest to determine just how many are required.

   You know your a$s is ugly when you're the one always asked to take the photo.

   Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Instagram

   I replied to your event invites with "maybe" because there wasn't a box for "I haven't seen you since high school, leave me alone."

   My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and actually, out popped a blanket.

   Life's not a b!tch, life's a beautiful woman. You just call her a b!tch cause she wont let you get what you want,

   I have a new doctor. He wanted to check my prostate and I told him that I don't do that on the first appointment.

   Remember, over half of all cases of people wrecking themselves happen within five minutes of not checking themselves.

   Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

   There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those that recognize how diverse people are, and those that think there are only 2 kinds of people