Funny Status Messages

   all I know is that before I watched Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's, it didn't burn when I peed.

   Miley's a$$ is so flat it looks like a backwards cameltoe!!

   Taylor Swift seems like the kinda girl who would put her stuffed animals in another room when she has sex.

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   I hope Adele and Eminem never date, can you imagine what their breakup albums would be like!

   Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....

   I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.

   I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice. But it's still a choice

   You can stop lifting weights now; it's actually your personality that nobody likes.

   if Da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20125215-00854.jpg"

   If anything the Lance Armstrong confession confirms my belief that exercise leads to deceitful behavior.

   Wouldn't it be great to hear a priest say "been there, done that" in reply to your confessed sins?

   Guys, if you are ever watching 'Indecent Proposal' and your wife or girlfriend asks: "Would you let someone sleep with me for $1,000,000?" Just lie!!

   Understanding women is easy, too: Just take calculus, multiply by quantum physics, then divide by E=mc². Also, hold them when they cry. Boom.

   I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.

   the NFL aka No F***in Lights."

   I have a question. How is it that the man who wasn't good enough to wed your daughter, can somehow be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world?

   We all have that place we go to that is full of negatives and disappointment. Mine sadly is my checkbook.