Funny Status Messages

   Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor.

   I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough

   How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh$t in it.

   My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly again at Christmas...

   Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

   There are few guarantees in life but if you see a grown man riding a bmx, he knows where to score some meth

   Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

   High School Reunions: Trying to replicate that which was never so great to begin with.

   A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

   after I ask the magic 8-ball, I get a second opinion from the bobble-head..

   If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is "My god how does he drink his beer??", You might be an alcoholic.

   Men say women should come with instructions. Hello! When was the last time you saw a guy read the instructions?

   My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour.

   How do you know if you're an attention seeking b*tch? Check your Facebook status, and if it reads something like 'having the worst day ever!" ... Bingo.

   Looks like Mother Nature is pulling Winter's Band-Aid off one hair at a time!

   Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   I don't hold grudges but my ignore game is beast mode