Snotty Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon Wife: OMG that sex was amazing!... Husband: I swapped my Viagra with junior's ADHD meds... Wife: That explains the call I got from school today
←Rate | 10-22-2016 20:49 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
←Rate | 10-22-2016 20:45 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon [Juice Bar]...... (Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass.... (Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back "sir"..... *hyenas laugh*
←Rate | 10-22-2016 20:36 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.
←Rate | 10-22-2016 19:28 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon The mainstream media: Covers up vast conspiracies?... Rigs national elections?... Has mind control powers?... Can't convince people to pay $29.99 for cable
←Rate | 10-22-2016 19:26 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
←Rate | 10-14-2016 19:13 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon *shines flashlight under chin... 'And the phones were attached to the walls and didn't have cameras'.... *teenagers scream. Two pass out
←Rate | 10-04-2016 17:35 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 22:59 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon NEWS FLASH: Facebook will expand it's efforts to stop online hate speech,, *in other words, they will be shutting down until after the election
←Rate | 09-28-2016 21:08 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?
←Rate | 09-28-2016 20:19 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
←Rate | 09-28-2016 20:06 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks
←Rate | 09-26-2016 17:20 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....
←Rate | 09-22-2016 20:00 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bartender on the phone. "Oh, ,hey.." Sees a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk in " dude, let me call you back. This is going to be amazing"
←Rate | 09-16-2016 19:27 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale
←Rate | 09-13-2016 18:06 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?
←Rate | 09-11-2016 07:29 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?
←Rate | 09-10-2016 18:41 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials
←Rate | 09-08-2016 21:17 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.
←Rate | 09-08-2016 20:42 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon (snail newsroom) "Another slow news day, fellas?".. *Newsroom erupts into laughter... {snails start a slow-clap}
←Rate | 09-08-2016 20:39 by Snotty Comments (0)  

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