Funny Status Messages

   Do you think that illegal immigration is a real problem?          A. Yes------- 20%          B.  No-------- 10%          C. No comprende---70%

   I read a caption in the paper the other day. The caption read, "In the time it takes you to finish reading this sentence, 20 people will have died of hunger." How the hell do they know how fast I read? I had to read it again. I killed 40 f*cking people.

   Wish we could be like bears, get all fat eating good food in the fall, hibernate all winter, and be all skinny for summer... Then do it all over again

   Girls spend too much time trying to look nice and not enough time trying to act nice.

   I was at the pool earlier and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   It is scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with only 8.5 cm. - and it doesn't matter if the card is Visa or Mastercard...

   Husband gets "I Love You" tattooed on his penis. He goes home to show his wife. His wife says "There you go again trying to put words in my mouth"

   Dear Facebook Staff, I really dont like the fact that my wife can now see what I post on my girlfriends page.

   Mexican and black jokes are pretty much all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

   How are poor people SO GOOD at finding money for tattoos???

   Because of cell phones, kids today will never know what it's like to choke their friends with a phone cord.

   There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.

   Police officer says "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence against you." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer"

   a man and his wife were having an intense fight when the wife told him to get out. so the husband packed his things and as he was leaving, the wife said "i hope you die a slow agonizing death"the husband replied "oh, so now you want me to stay?

   Where the hell were these teachers that bang their students when I was in high school?!

   I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.

   In about 50 years from now, tombstones will read 'Beloved Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, and Facebook friend

   my penis is so big that if I layed it out on a keyboard it would go from A to Z......wait! SH*T!

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."

   Macaroni would be nothing if it weren't for cheese. Cheese, on the other hand, doesn't need macaroni to stay pimp. I think we all know who wears the pants in the macaroni and cheese relationship.