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Taking back your EX is like buying your shi$ back from your own garage sale.. 
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....
Found out today that midgets dont like being called midgets....AND they really dont like being called people McNuggets...
I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.
Legend has it the "M" in MTV once stood for music.
Stupid people aren't flammable enough.
Romeo and Juliet is Not a Love Story... It's a 3-Day relationship between a 13 year-old and a 17 year-old that caused 6 Deaths. Sincerely, -Everyone who actually Read it.
I have one nerve left! And you're dry humping it!....Go Away!!!
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat ...Then I remember they just feed off attention.
BREAKING NEWS: POST OFFICE RAISES 1ST CLASS STAMPS FROM 46 CENTS TO 49 CENTS: Really???.... couldn't you just say 50 cents and save 2 slots in your cash drawer and millions of hours counting change??
Monday I drank a Shirley Temple to mourn her, today I'm going to eat a Caesar salad to mourn Sid, tomorrow I'm having a Bieber burger & crossing my fingers....
Personally, I don't find swearing offensive. I think it adds character & emphasis to a conversation. I do find, backstabbing, lying, cheating and screwing people over offensive, but not swearing.
Remember, everyday is a gift from God. Except Mondays, the Devil sneaks that one in
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork.
I was walkin past my neighbours white van that was covered in dirt ,someone had wrote on it, "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van." I just couldn't help myself from writing, " She is... When your at work
To the brave souls who lost their lives tragically 9 years ago today.. may you never be forgotten R.I.P
I thought this Mexican Restaurant was closed because only 1 car was in the parking lot, but it was completely packed inside!
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