Funny Status Messages

   I've been arrested for being the ugliest person in the country. Can you come down the station and show them they've made a mistake?

   It's better to be with no one than to be with the wrong one

   Sometimes while I drink my coffee I stare out the window and ask myself "How many people am I going to cuss out today"

   just heard from a friend. Changeyour profile picture by December 12th to your favorite moon of the planet Jupiter to help fight childhood obesity amongst cats. Copy and paste to spread the word.

   If you want something you never had, then you've got to do something you've never done.

   While getting dressed this morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was.

   purchased his own Taser off the internet yesterday. In a totally unconnected incident, I've got to buy a cat to replace the neighbour's one this afternoon (and it must be identical looking)........

   You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I'd like that in a Gatorade flavor.

   I would love to start working out, but I'm beefing up for my "before" picture.

   A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it

   If you are wearing shorts or sweatpants that spell out "Bootylicious" across the hind side. Just an FYI - it's not.

   In just two days, tomor­row will be yes­ter­day!

   if I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I will definately be on the naughty list...

   I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run?

   Starbucks is coming out with a new larger size cup...the Trenta. Which is Latin for *I Have To Pee*.

   I don't think my face and my body accurately convey how good looking I really am.

   People who use the phrase, "I won't mention any names, but they know who they are," probably don't get punched often enough.

   Similar to Willy Wonka putting 5 golden tickets into bars of chocolate, Lays have started a new competition where they have placed 5 chips into their bags of air.

   it just dawned on me that the Amish people are seriously laughing at us....and our gas prices!

   My Internet was down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. They are so fu*kin irresponsible