Funny Status Messages

   Any of my friends who believe the "Mayan's Prediction" please let me know as soon as possible. Your opinion will only be based on this years Christmas gifts. Thanks :)

   If I made cars I'd put an inflatable shark in place of an airbag in 1 out of every 100 cars just for fun.

   Your ability to provide food is the only thing keeping your cat from murdering you.

   HR: Let's talk about why you were late today... Me: I told you!.. HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!".. Me: Duh,,That's why I was late

   It is bit unsettling how these ads on FB target you. Saw one today that said something like this: "Young, hot women looking for over 50 guys that are under 5"8" with symptoms of ADHD!" Sign up today!!"

   Stop focusing on the meaning of life and focus on finding a life with meaning.

   What doesn't kill you, leaves you alive for something else that will.

   I promise to love you for better or until things get worse.

   On Friday nights I visit a club so exclusive nobody else knows it exists. It looks bizarrely like my living room & needs new cleaning staff.

   There is no problem so big that it can't be solved with a little self-delusion.

   It's not arrogance if I say it isn't

   experiencing life at a rate of several WTF's a minute

   smile and the world smiles with you, fart and you're on your own.

   If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

   working, and having short Facebook breaks... but is now on Facebook with short work breaks... much more fun!

   It took me many years to lose my mind. Why the hell would I want a piece of yours?

   If TMZ doesn't follow me home from work today, I'm done wearing these ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes.

   I think that someday we'll look back on all of this and blame someone else.

   Even greater than that of a mother... Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another.”

   I wonder if I mix rum with listerine if it will taste like a mojito?