Funny Status Messages

   Love your job but don't love your company because you may not know when your company stops loving you.

   Anyone else thinking they should drop Mike Rice into North Korea, just to get the ball rolling already?

   I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method

   Your ability to provide food is the only thing keeping your cat from murdering you.

   HR: Let's talk about why you were late today... Me: I told you!.. HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!".. Me: Duh,,That's why I was late

   It is bit unsettling how these ads on FB target you. Saw one today that said something like this: "Young, hot women looking for over 50 guys that are under 5"8" with symptoms of ADHD!" Sign up today!!"

   Stop focusing on the meaning of life and focus on finding a life with meaning.

   What doesn't kill you, leaves you alive for something else that will.

   I promise to love you for better or until things get worse.

   There is no problem so big that it can't be solved with a little self-delusion.

   It's not arrogance if I say it isn't

   I think that someday we'll look back on all of this and blame someone else.

   Even greater than that of a mother... Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another.”

   I wonder if I mix rum with listerine if it will taste like a mojito?

   will stop drinking when captain morgan puts his foot down.

   The current news of a wheat shortage doesn't concern me, as Jack Daniels is made from corn.

   I'm not quite sure why online chat services decided it would be a good idea to tell you when the other person is typing. Most of the time I'm just anxiously thinking, "Why is it taking you so long to write one f*cking sentence!?"

   LOVE: nature's way of tricking people into reproducing

   My girlfriend has over 1000 female Facebook friends. 132 Notifications later....that's the last time I'll ever be the first person to comment when she post a picture of her damn cat...

   If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.