Funny Status Messages

   Oh com'on Kim Jong everyone has a ''funny uncle'' in the family....don't you think the firing squad was a little harsh???

   So you hate me? I had no idea you existed. I guess we're even.

   Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary.

   I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it's the duct tape of food.

   Anxiety: The poor man's colon cleanse.

   My safe word is "Make sure we don't go over the hour. That's all the cash I got on me."

   My ideal job would be "guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks"

   iOS 9 will be out by the time iOS 8 finishes downloading

   I am sorry I had feelings. I'll replace them with jokes right away.

   KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BOOED AT PARIS FASHION WEEK - my week keeps getting better.

   I'll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.

   I don't know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish's Birth date.

   I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   Makeup tip..... You aren't in the circus.

   Aparently people don't like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.

   Do you think the bums with Target shopping carts look down on the bums with Walmart shopping carts?

   I'm so glad television redefined the word "marathon" to mean the exact opposite of physical exercise.

   My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.