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I'm surprised that cartons of Soy Milk don't have pictures of missing vegan children on the back. 
The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.
I don't know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish's Birth date.
I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding
Makeup tip..... You aren't in the circus.
Aparently people don't like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.
Do you think the bums with Target shopping carts look down on the bums with Walmart shopping carts?
I'm so glad television redefined the word "marathon" to mean the exact opposite of physical exercise.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Treating others the way you what them to treat you is a great way to live your life. It may also quite possibly be sexual harassment...
True friendship is when you walk into their house and your wifi connects automatically ;)
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn't have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
Statistically speaking, once I introduce you to my family there's a 100% chance we won't work out as a couple
I'm old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends
So you hate me? I had no idea you existed. I guess we're even.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it's the duct tape of food.
Anxiety: The poor man's colon cleanse.
My safe word is "Make sure we don't go over the hour. That's all the cash I got on me."
My ideal job would be "guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks" 