Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   Every woman needs find someone who will ruin her lipstick instead of her mascara.

   All these years, I just realize........ Can someone please explain to me why the kids from Scooby-Doo were afraid of people in masks, but were totally cool with a talking dog?!

   Walmart is like a free roaming zoo for humans everytime I go I see creatures even the discovery channel hasn't witnessed.

   Heard Snooki's supposedly pregnant. Guess we'll know for sure when her vodka breaks.

   The only good part about reuniting with an ex is that having sex with them doesn't change the number of people you've slept with.

   The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.

   Its amazing how many bad decisions can be justified or explained away by just saying, "I was drunk" or "I was in love"

   ■Cigarettes are like hamsters… perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

   has a new slogan for TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants!!!

   The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn't work. I'm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.

   : “The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.”

   When your children come up to you after a minor incident and say," This is the worst day of my life!!!" Just look at them.....smile......and say, "You haven't seen anything yet".

   Dear Santa: This year instead of a gift wish list, I'm sending a list of people I would like to see disappear. Thank you.

   Wine tasting is very disappointing. I prefer wine consuming where the server gives you a bottle and leaves you alone. I don't need a history of how these grapes were stomped and I'd appreciate more than a thimble sized cup.

   Facebook: Where people go to re-experience their childhood rejection & acceptance issues all over again.

   by now, even Ed Hardy thinks that shirt makes you look like a douche.

   Dear person sitting next to me in the stall... I can hear you playing a video game on your Blackberry and it's annoying the crap out of me. Well done!

   I always thought about joining the debate team but I already know I would get kicked out for saying "Yeah well F**k you" when the other team makes a good point

   You are A-Attractive, B-Beautiful, C-Charming, D-Dear to me, E-Exciting, F-Funny, G-Godsent...H-Hehehe, I-Im, J-Just, K-Kidding...