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Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car wheels. 
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
I'm not an alcoholic, an alcoholic NEEDS a drink... I already have one
I think you scientists did a great job of making old people's d-i-c-k-s hard. How 'bout you guys take a look at cancer and stuff now.
I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.
Sorry I'm late my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here
I always hoped my kids wouldn't have to suffer the same things I had to. Then Michael Bolton comes back....
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden
Facebook got 2 billion to burn even though the site is 90% candy crush requests & fake news that tricked your grandma.
I'm no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
No legs and he still managed to walk away from a murder charge?
it just me or is "Pink" and Billy Idol the same person?
If John has 100 pieces of bacon, and he eats 20, what does John have? Happiness. John has happiness.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn't touch anything else, so that's good.
I hope all that racket in Egypt doesn't wake Imhotep again. I don't think I could take another lame Mummy movie.
If I am ever on life support and you pull my plug, wait 5 minutes and plug it back in.It seems to work great on my modem!
My emotional response to getting tagged in a Facebook photo could be nominated for an Oscar.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
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