Funny Status Messages

   Dick Clark has passed, we cant ring in the new year, well played mayans, well played

   My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

   Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest natural resources which must be preserved at all costs.

   BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them. 

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives here.

   Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.

   just enjoying a nice hot bath with candles and a glass of wine and then the neighbors came home. I have never seen them so mad.

   Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

   If you think 7 years of bad luck are to much for breaking a mirror.. Try breaking a condom

   The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch.

   Mayor Bloomberg is going to outlaw large sodas. Good to know that New York City is officially out of legitimate problems to deal with.

   It's so hot outside, Our hummingbirds are demanding red gatorade!

   Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days' they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   I hate it when my boss calls my name and I automatically think "What the hell did I do now?"

   Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? IDK, I have Direct TV!

   80% of my conversations with others occur inside my head.

   Every time I see Nancy Grace on TV I imagine that somewhere there is a real journalist locked in a broom closet weeping.

   Middle age is when you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

   I went to Web MD to look up my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep. Thanks a lot Web MD!

   Do they sell Alphabet Soup in China?