Funny Status Messages

   While driving I listen to my music fairly loud until the minute I can't find something I'm looking for. Then there must be complete silence in order for me to see.

   Judging from the ads that constantly besiege us, I guess TV execs think that the only ones home watching TV during the day are injured at work, sick from a recalled medication, or unemployed with an abundance of gold jewelry.

   Nobody says “long story short” unless it's already too late…

   I never use parking meters. The "time expired" sign gives me the creeps.

   If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

   If your uncle jack is stuck on your roof ; would you help your Uncle Jack Off?

   Saving alot on my car insurance by deciding to drive without it...

   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   making his stand at Thermopylae.

   luckily for some adults, illiteracy is not a crime.

   just completed Step 1) Cut a hole in a box.

   In the 60's and 70's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

   There is no such thing as government money, only taxpayer money.

   My mask broke while I was in a store and I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.

   i have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member

   I got a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order but still....

   I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted Most Likely to Secede.