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Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting. 
It bothers me that one day a future generation with all-digital textbooks will look back and laugh at us for having to carry 40-pound backpacks in high school.
Carry yourself like a queen and you'll attract a king. Carry yourself like a hoe and see how far you'll go.
Sure it's flattering and weird at the same time, but you need to stop thinking of me when you masturbate...
Ok, TV coroners. We get it. You're comfortable around dead bodies. You can stop putting your sandwiches on them.
in the latest News: Officials found a cell phone under Charles Manson's mattress...and you thought getting a text from Brett Favre was weird.
recommended by 4 out of 5 ex-girlfriends.
If I ever open a knife factory, I'd employ nothing but EMO kids...I'd never have to worry about them reporting an on-the-job injury....
the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it
so who has actually used trigonometry since they left school?
says: Is it just me or do all the people in "The Snuggie" commercials look like they are in a cult???
Why is it that, in a world full of silicon chips, hand held computers, waterproof paper, and manned space travel, can I not get the little chain to stay attached to the drainage plug in the back tank of my toilet seat
Some people live life in the fast lane. I have decided that I live it in oncoming traffic at night with no lights on. Welcome to my world, buckle up.
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
How does that old saying go.. Nice guys finish, In their hand?
duck....duck...duck...grey goose!
some people were dropped as babies. clearly, you were thrown against a wall.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.
So we just spent $4 billion on an election about "too much spending?"
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