Funny Status Messages

   A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.

   What rhymes with Cupid?

   “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

   My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.

   I went to Walmart in my pajamas and came out married to my cousin.

   I've never been held hostage but I've been on a group text.

   "Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now... it's totally possible.

   My girlfriend said she needed some time alone to herself, so I set her up a Myspace account.

   A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl, but a beautiful girl with a brain & smarts is a weapon of mass destruction...

   FB lesson number #1. If you don't want people to in your business, stop posting it on your status.

   You'd think the crescent roll's packages would have a warning like: May blow your hand off if opened correctly.

   I don't trust anyone who chooses a side salad over french fries.

   My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

   What kind of impatient psychopath leaves 1 second on a microwave.

   Just wrote my rent check in hieroglyphics, that should delay things for a while.

   Oh, so it's ok for Superman to wear his underpants on the outside but not me? Sometimes I don't even know why I bother showing up to court anymore.

   My wife is leaving me because I believe everything I read on the internet. Not worried though, there are some sexy Russian girls in my area.

   The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.

   We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.